Gratitude

So long 2011, hello 2012.  I hadn't really thought about it, until someone pointed out to me that this has been a big year in the life of Hilary.  Since then, I've been adding up all the changes and momentous events.

1. changed jobs (February)
2. quit my second job of 12 years (February)
3. moved to the valley (via living with Dad for a month)
4. landed my dream job (July)
5. quit my old job (July)
6. went to a family reunion (Aug)
7. went to my first gay wedding (Sept)
8. changed work locations (Sept)
9. went camping by myself (Oct)
10. changed work locations again (Oct)
11. totally changed my diet (Nov)
12. got in a pretty bad car accident (Nov)
13. bought a car (Dec)
14. lost 15 pounds (and counting)

Hmmm, I hadn't realized there had been so many changes.  Especially funny because I was feeling like I'm in a bit of a rut, and I was looking for a way to make some changes in my life.  (nothing drastic, just something to make like interesting) Maybe I don't need more change, maybe I'm just used to there being a lot of change in my life.  I'm grateful for change. 


I'm grateful for all the good things that came to me in 2011.  It kind of felt like all the things I was trying to accomplish for the last few years came together job-wise.  I'm grateful to have learned that I love the drama of prison, and the adrenaline rush of being in the environment.  I liked meeting people that I would be absolutely terrified of on the streets, but getting to know them for who they are instead.  I know having met the biggest, baddest mo-fo's out there that I can handle anything.  The rest of the job was total shit, but I'm grateful to have learned that about myself.  I'm grateful that I had the opportunity to repair a damaged relationship with a client, it had always bothered me.  I'm grateful that I was lucky enough to get the job I have wanted since college.  I'm grateful that after I got the job, I actually still liked it.  I'm grateful that my extended family has become more connected because of the family reunions.  I'm grateful to have another awesome niece.  I'm grateful she's not a monster.  I'm especially grateful that I didn't die in a car accident.  I'm even happier that the insurance claim worked out and I was able to buy the car I had originally wanted to buy 2 years ago.  I'm grateful that I stumbled upon the raw vegan lifestyle and online community.  It has simplified my life so much and I have never felt so good in all my life.  

Lots to be grateful for!  Hoping that 2012 brings more good things and is kind to you too!

Expensive?

This is the other comment I've been getting a lot.  Fruits and vegetables are so expensive.  At first I agreed with this, but now that I'm in my second month, I can see that this is totally wrong.  Each week I go the veggie store and spend between $20 and $30 that does me for the week.  This is the usual list:

• 2-3 bags of apples
• 1 bag of oranges
• a bag of ginger
• 6 lemons or limes
• 2 heads of celery
• 2 bags of carrots
• 1 big bunch of kale/chard
• 2 broccoli
• 2 bunches of parsley/cilantro
• 1-3 cucumbers
• 1 bunch of bananas

On top of this, I spend about $10 per week on almond milk and maybe $5 a week on something else like tamarinf or raisons.  About once a month I stock up on nuts, vegan protein powder and treats like fresh coconuts, persimmons and vegan cheese, maybe $50 a month on miscellaneous items.  I never totalled up what I was spending on food before.  The gluten-free bread I used to eat was $6 per loaf, so I don't think it's an exaggeration to say I spent between $75-$100 per week in food before.  How crazy is that?  For me this is a huge motivator to keep on going.  Not only do I feel better, but I'm saving money.  I think it would be hard to justify eating raw vegan if it was crazy expensive. 

What Hilary Eats

I thought I would do a post on what I ate today because I keep getting asked this all the time.  Now keep in mind, I'm sick and ate a little less than usual.  I'll do another post on this when I'm not sick.

Breakfast:

• coffee and almond milk
• gluten-free no sugar corn flakes, 1 tablespoon each of raisins, walnut pieces and unsweetened coconut and 1 banana

Snack

• 1/2 of a flax bar (flax, molasses, raisins)
• green juice (parsley, celery, kale, cucumber, lemon, ginger and apple)

Lunch

• about 1 cup of green grapes
• about 1 cup of broccoli

Dinner

• 1 carrot
• 3 olives
• a tablespoon or two of hummus
• 3 or 4 almonds
• grande 1/2 sweet vanilla soy no-foam americano

Bedtime Snack

• neocitron -yuck!

Normally, there would be more veggies for dinner, but I'm just not hungry today.  The rest is pretty typical.  It doesn't sound like a lot, but it's surprisingly filling.  I used to eat so much more in volume before.  But I'm eating a lot more nutrient dense now.  It really does make sense, you gotta eat a lot of garbage to equal the same amount of nutrients. 

Off to bed, to hopefully sleep this cold away!

Cravings

How to deal with food cravings? 

Four weeks into mostly raw vegan eating I certainly don't have all the answers, and I'm not perfect.  This morning I had pancakes for breakfast.  I don't feel guilty after all they were made of rice flour, and almond milk not butter and wheat.  I think it's much more realistic to eat something cooked every once in a while, and not think so rigidly about how I want to eat. 

The first week I was craving chocolate, bread (gluten-free), cheese and pop.  I tried to focus on why I was craving these things:

• I think I was craving chocolate because I wanted the instant pick-me-up.  I think it was a bit of an after dinner habit too.  When I was done eating, I wanted something sweet so badly.  I substituted really sweet fruits, usually a gala apple after dinner usually takes care of it.  Or carrot, apple, orange, ginger juice.  Such a sweet treat.  So yummy, my step-mom had a sip and went out and bought a juicer!  It's that good.
• Bread.  I swear I'm a carb addict.  When I first became a vegetarian, all that meant was that I stopped eating meat and ate more bread.  Enter celiac disease and I was forced to quit bread.  I mourned the loss, but after a while, I didn't miss bread very much.  And then I found the awesomist gluten-free bread.  Like a true addict, just one taste and I was hooked.  I'm not sure why, maybe because it makes me feel full?  I remember reading signs in the park that said do not feed the ducks bread because it fills them up, but they get fewer nutrients and don't have enough fat on them to survive the winter.  Empty calories.  I don't need to eat to bread, I want to.  I've pretty much white knuckled my way through these cravings.  When it's been ready bad, I eat air popped popcorn.
• Cheese.  I thought when I was craving cheese it was because I needed calcium.  Cheese isn't a great source of calcium at all.  It is however, super high in calories and fat.  Usually, this craving went with a bread craving.  omg, the grilled cheese sandwich craving was ridiculous.  Every single day for at least a week.  When the cravings were bad, I ate almonds or peanut butter.  I have eaten so much peanut butter!  Before a container would last be over a year.  Not anymore.  When I was counting calories, I wouldn't eat it at all.  But now that my diet is so super low fat, I can afford the calories.  My favorite snack is celery, peanut butter and raisins.  Another favorite is fresh coconut, I haven't had fresh coconut in 10 years.  So good!
• Pop.  Not just any pop, coke.  Sweet bubbly calories.  This has been the easiest craving of all to beat.  The juice was the cure.  I look forward to drinking green juice so much!  The flavours are so intense, pop doesn't even compare.   

I think my taste buds have changed.  Maybe they forget what so much sugar tastes like?  Somewhere around the 2 week mark, I broke and ate a chocolate bar.  But I only took a few bites and threw it in the garbage, it was so sweet it made me sick.  Before there was nothing that was too sweet for me.  I think it's not the foods that we crave, it's the way we feel when we eat them.  But it's a roller coaster ride!  Feeling so low, and then zing! I feel great, and then so low again.  I feel more even now.   

Where to next?

I've been asking myself this a lot lately. 


In three months time I will be moving to .... somewhere.  I had planned to put in a transfer to the city, but now I'm starting to think this would be a bad idea.  The cost of rent has increased about $100 in the last year since I moved away.  When I do the math, this only makes sense to do if I don't have a car.  Since I'm buying a car this week, it might not make sense for me to sell it so soon.  I think I might be putting myself in a worse financial position with the cost of living in Vancity.  So what are my other options?  Coquitlam.  A couple years from now, the skytrain will be running out there.  But then I think of Miss New Wave by Matt Good, and he makes Coquitlam sound pretty depressing.  Or Burnaby or Surrey or New West, are options too.  It would be much easier to get together with friends than it is now.  Something I am definitely looking forward to.

In three months I will have some say in where I get placed, but not a lot of choice.  But in six months time, I can put in a transfer for anywhere.   So where to?   


I'm sort of playing with the idea of making a big change.  I've been hmmming and hawwwwing about requesting a placement in the Nelson office.  Could be awesome!  The more I get into the raw vegan thing, the more I think it would be great to live in a community where there are raw vegan restaurants.  This is why I wanted to move to Vancouver, but guess what's in Nelson?  A raw vegan deli and a juice bar!  Along with a bunch of health food stores and a great farmers market.  Hmmm, can't you totally see me living there? 

Other places I considered but are off the list? Masset- I would love to visit, but probably not live there.  Victoria- maybe in 5 years.  I was really hoping that there would be an office in Whistler or Pemberton.  No luck.

What do you think?  Nelson or bust?

How to divorce chocolate

Yes it's true, I quit eating chocolate.  It's a bit like quitting smoking or crack.  Chocolate is absolutely addictive, it makes us feel good, and it is so darn delicious.  This is what I did:

Step 1: I made my house a no-chocolate zone. 

Step 2: you are going to have cravings so bad that you will want to drive to the gas station at 3am and you won't even care about the mascara that is half-way down your face and the strange looks you will get.  You need to prepare for this.

                    Step 2 part A: Find a non-sugar, non-junk food substitute that you like.

Step 3: eat chocolate substitute and wait 5 minutes.  The craving will be gone.

Step 4: never leave home without a sweet substitute in your purse.  It's easy to fall back on inhaling an Oh Henry bar if you have no other options. 

Step 5: Do not ever walk down the snack aisle.  For any reason. Ever.

After about 1 week, it's not so bad.  My sweet options are: 

1. fresh juice: 1 apple. 1 orange, 2-3 carrots, and sometimes ginger.  It is deliciously sweet, and   feels like a treat.  It quenches the sugar craving, put is packed with vitamin A, C, K, Omega 3 and 6 and some protein too!
2. Tamarind.  It's sweet, and kinda fussy to eat.  You need to get over the fact that it looks like dog poo, and that pulling the fibrous parts is strangely like de-boning an alien.  It's tastes a bit like a fig or a date, and has big seeds in the middle. It will also satisfy the need for sweet, but has a ton of magnesium, potassium, thiamine, niacin and iron

3.  Lara bars.  Gluten free, simple ingredients.  The ingredients for this one are dates, peanuts and salt. That's it.  There a bunch of different flavours, most are good.  At about $2/bar, they aren't cheap, but you can buy a 12 pack at costco and  save a bit.  Perfect for the purse.

                 4. Air popped popcorn very lightly drizzled with olive oil and a generous sprinkle of garlic powder.

                 5. If all else fails, make healthy muffins.  I made pumpkin muffins using 1/2 cup of pumpkin puree and 1.5 cups of pulp from my juicer.  Super high fiber, but also sweet enough to make you think you are eating a treat.  

I didn't deprive myself of sweet things, I just changed what I ate.  After the first week or so, I didn't have the chocolate cravings anymore and I didn't need to eat the chocolate substitutes either.  

Well anywhoo...

... enough of the contemplating the fragility of my life. 

So I thought I would explain the raw vegan thing.  I was counting calories for about the last 6 months, eating roughly 1200 calories.  This number would go up if I also exercised.  I found that it was really hard to stay under my calorie goal, usually cheese or bread would be my undoing.  For me, the more I eat cheese, the more I wanted it.  A spread of cheese, crackers and pickles or antipasto could quickly gobble up half of my calories for the day.  And then what?  I'm starving.  Then I read about a vegan cheese that was actually good.  When I first went gluten-free, I had trouble with dairy, and tried some pretty nasty cheese substitutes.  If you want to stop the dairy cravings, try Daiya ( http://www.daiyafoods.com/ ).  I can say now that I have kicked my addiction to cheese!  I never even think about eating it.  For me, cheese was what was holding me back from being vegan.  But now it's goodbye cheese and hello raw vegan! 


Why?  Well, I hate counting calories, and I didn't see much in the way of results anyways.  But if I eat just fruits, vegetables, nuts and seeds, I don't have to count calories.  I didn't really understand this at first.  I thought veggies wouldn't fill you up.  I watched a ton of documentaries and did a bunch of learning.  What happens when you eat breads, meat and fats (like cheese) is that you feel full and satisfied, but you don't get a lot of nutrients (like vitamins and minerals) so you feel hungry again.  Ever had a day where you ate a bag of chips (1000's of calories) but you were hungry later on even though you are more than enough calories?  This is why!  Your body wants nutrients, not calories.

 I talked a little about how I made some changes.  I decided that I could eat healthier, and I didn't want to die young or be uncomfortable in my skin because of the choices I made today.  In the last 2 months, I have kicked, dairy, chocolate, pop and sugar to the curb.  I didn't think I could ever stop eating sugar or chocolate.  I think I ate a piece (or 10) of chocolate everyday.  Not anymore!  I kicked chocolate and pop once before, but it's a slippery slope and before I knew it, I was hooked again. 

Why raw? because the the fruits and veg are more nutrient dense, at least half of the nutrients are lost when they are cooked, and the protein building blocks are destroyed.  So I'm better off to eat everything raw, than cooked. 


The main thing I noticed since making the switch is that I feel great!  I eat fruit and cereal (not raw) and 1 or 2 coffees in the morning, then I have nuts and a big green juice for snack, a vegan raw protein drink and mixed veggies at lunch, and then for dinner a salad or hummus and veggies.  That's it.  Doesn't sound like a lot, but it's so packed full of vitamins and minerals that I don't feel like I need more.  I'm not hungry.  The green juice is high in iron and protein, and I exceed the daily recommended intake of both every day.  About once a week I eat rice or beans, so I'm not 100% raw.  I think for me this is much more sustainable than calorie counting and I can actually see the results.  (hello skinny jeans!) As for eating out, I usually just eat a salad (because of the gluten) so that doesn't change.    

Since the car accident, I've been drinking parsley, kale, lemon, ginger, celery, cucumber and apple juice.  Parsley is super anti-inflammatory and is more protein dense than beef.  Did you know that?  I sure didn't.  I love this site http://nutritiondata.self.com/facts/vegetables-and-vegetable-products/2513/2 .  It makes it easier to see that food isn't just about calories. 

I've been getting lots of ideas from this youtube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/daradubinet#p/u/97/_Lg0clKiaqU 

2011Nov18 1:25pm

Forgive me, I'm blogging in bed and I'm really tired. This may all come out a gobbely gook, but I've been thinking all day about something and I need to write it down so I'll remember it.

If you know me in real life, you know that on Friday afternoon I was in a fairly bad car accident. A guy pulled out of a drive thru to take a left across two lanes of traffic in the middle of the block. The witnesses said a car in the right lane waved him into the street. I dunno. I didn't see that, all I saw was silver in front of me. I always thought that in moments like that, time would move slowly, and I would be filled with lots of thoughts. Like "0kay, I'm going to die now". That didn't happen. I just remember suddenly I was breaking, and then the impact happened so quickly I didn't know what had happened. And it really fucking hurt. Now the mind twist for me is, did I not have the deep thoughts because it wasn't my time, or we just don't have those moments of accepting our fates. For whatever reason, I had been thinking a lot about my mom last week and I wondered if she ever felt okay with dying. I dunno. I'd been thinking a lot that if I knew that I would only live 10 years more, what would I do differently today. So I made some changes. And then I got in this accident. Maybe I shouldn't assume I even get ten years.

Then I start thinking about what it all means. It was a regular day, where I did something I don't normally do. I went out on my lunch break to buy my step-mom a birthday present. Why did I do that? Why did this happen? I've been watching these youtube videos of people telling their stories of how being raw vegan has change their lives. One of the guys was in a car accident and it seemed to me that he was healing faster because he was eating healthy. I feel like I'm healing quickly. Is this supposed to be showing me I'm on the right track? There was a moment when I was sitting in my car waiting for the ambulance that I thought, this could be it. I could be in pain for the rest of my life. I sat there thinking do I have a head injury? Did my chest hit the steering wheel? I remember looking down at my legs because they hurt so bad, I thought I should check if there were there. I remember there was a blond woman sitting in a minivan across the street in a parking lot. We made eye contact for a second. The look of shock and horror on her face made me think, wow, this must be bad. But I feel like I'll be ok.

I keep getting well meaning advice to lawyer-up. I don't want to do that. For one because I will not be claiming physical injuries that will affect me forever, and two because I think it will bring me bad energy. Maybe it's naive to think that it will all work out and the insurance company will treat me fairly. I so totally believe that you get back what you put in. I don't want my life to be about "my claim." I have had so many clients over the years where they were living their lives waiting for their claim. They were some of the most toxic people I have ever met. Things usually work out. In my most stressed out moments in life, when things seemed impossible and I couldn't see how things could possibly work out, they did. So I'm putting my intention out there: I will heal from this, and it will all work out. Maybe me getting into a car accident doesn't mean anything, but I can still choose if I let it shape my life.

Maybe it doesn't mean anything. Maybe it was just a car accident. It's been really hard to shake it off.

My only piece of actual art

A long time ago I blogged about a print I found at my local Value Village. I spotted it from about 10 feet away, and knew exactly what I was looking at. Inuit art!!! There was an old guy in my way flipping through the paintings. I hovered for a few minutes waiting for him to leave so I could snatch it. I was hoping so hard that he wouldn't take it. He probably left because I was making him feel uncomfortable with my intent staring!

I never got around to taking a picture of it. Well here it is. It's not signed, so I'm not really sure who it's by. I did a bit of researching online at the National Gallery of Canada and found an artist whose work is very very similar. I wasn't able to find the same print on Google, but she drew her figures exactly like this in the first 20 years of career (late 1950's and early 60's). Her name was Jessie Oonark, she lived a pretty traditional Inuit life in Baker Lake and didn't become an artist until later in her life. She had a pretty short career, by 1979 she had a surgery that took away her the use of her hands. I love this print. I like the simplicity and how it shows her everyday life (she lived on the land).

Getting Juicy

What day am I at now? I'm not sure, but I know I have to do 14 burpees by the end of the day. 13 nearly killed me last night. The thought that I need to get to 38 burpees seems like an impossible dream at this point.

This is the first Halloween that I'm not dressing up or going to a party. There are a couple of reasons:

1. I am have to pay off a credit card within the next 2 weeks. It was one of those- don't pay any interest for a year thingies that got me winter tires last year. So I'm more than a little cash poor. Can't be blowing my money now on booze.

2. Oh Henry bars. They are my kryptonite. I set a goal for myself to get through Halloween without eating a single trick or treat. In years passed I probably ate a bag or two by myself. Fill me with booze and I'll have no power to resist those devilish chocolate coated calorie bombs. I've done amazingly, I haven't eaten a single one. I doubt I'll get any trick or treaters, but if I do, I will give them an apple and ask them not to egg my car.

This last week has been good. I've juiced every day, and have done my burpees in addition to the usual walking. I've also been researching more about raw food. On the surface it looks like there isn't all that much to know... eat fruits and veggies raw right?

Well no! There are different camps. Like raw vegans who eat 80% carbs, 10% fat and 10% protein. They tend to eat mostly fruit. Like eating 30 bananas a day, seriously. I can't help but think that's just an eating disorder with a nicer name. Or the raw vegans who make copies of normal foods. Like un-baked muffins, or raw "pancakes." Or another camp that are all about juice feasting. Juice feasting is when you only drink juice, no eating for up to 90 days. I can't handle that much whole fruit, so I'm doing more of a 50/50 veggies and fruit, eating some and juicing some with a little bit of cooked food. A big glass of veggie/fruit juice is surprisingly filling. Today's intake: brown rice with raisins and soy milk for breakfast, a protein shake at lunch, 2 apples and almonds for lunch and a big juice and half a bagel for dinner. I might have some popcorn tonight, but I'm still way below my max calories for the day. So far, I feel good. I've been reading a lot about people going through nasty detox symptoms when they switch to raw vegan. I'm hoping that this won't happen to me because I haven't eaten the standard american diet in a long time (like meat and fried foods), plus I'm easing into it.

So who am I learning from? Lou Corona- this amazing guy who has been eating raw for 37 years and is 60 but looks 40. It's hard to describe him other than to say he has good energy. If he ever comes to town, I would love to hear him speak. And Dan the Man- he is all about veggie juicing. He is a wealth of information with about 1000 youtube videos. It helps to have the online community out there, cuz god knows I sure don't know any raw vegans. I also don't know any gluten free people either, but I had the determination to do that no problem. I think I can do this too. I wish I lived in the city where there are raw vegan restaurants. Oh well. One day.

Day one

Day one? Of what you ask?

Last week was a tough week for me, in a new office, feeling pretty insecure, and isolated. No body likes a whiner do they? I decided to do a couple things that make me feel good and hopefully turn things around. I'm going to do two 30 day challenges at once. My inspiration came from a couple of blogs that I started following. The first : http://www.yourinnerskinny.ca/category/blog/ it's written by a guy who lives up north and is really into fitness. (yes still obsessed with all things northern). What I like about his blog is that he has good youtube exercise videos that don't require gym equipment. Right now he is challenging people to do a burpee a day for 30 days. Today I did eight burpees without stopping, and tomorrow I'll do nine, then ten the next etc. Sounds do-able. If you don't know what a burpee is, google it.

The other blog that I'm following is http://www.loveveggiesandyoga.com/. This blog is written by a vegan, raw, Californian yogi. She is the most ripped woman I have ever seen in my life. I would love to be half as muscly! She has some really great recipes, she is inspiring me to try and eat more raw. I have always wanted to try going raw vegan, but I thought it would be too hard. What I learned from her website is to not think so black and white, I can just eat more raw foods, I don't have to go 100%. I find the hardest thing for me has been cutting out dairy, so instead, I'm just eating less dairy. Baby steps.

The next blog that I am loving http://kristensraw.com/blog/. This blog is written by a vegan raw body builder mommy. She's hardcore, my sister says she's insane. She looooves protein shakes. I can understand this, I have drank a vegan protein shake almost everyday for the last 18 months. I love the taste and I love how I feel just by upping my protein intake. She is also a big fan of juicing. I have juiced in the past, but nothing too exotic. These days I'm being more adventuresome, I just polished off a cucumber, celery, apple juice. It was fantastic. My other favorite? Carrot, spinach, red chard, orange. Before I would have called bullshit, but it really does taste good. This is the other part of my 30 day challenge, I'm going to juice everyday for the next 30 days.

I think drinking juice everyday is pretty doable too. I'm not taking it too the extreme like Dr. Ali. Who's Dr. Ali? Well he is a vegan raw guy who ingested nothing but juice for 92 days. No eating, nothing but juice. Incidentally he's also a guy I used to get high with in high school. Dude did a total 180, let me tell you. If you're interested in he has some good juice recipes : http://www.youtube.com/user/TheRawFoodDoctor#p/a

So this is my part of my plan, focusing on the things that make me feel good. It should be a great month. The only downside is that it takes a while for the digestive system to balance out. Words of wisdom: increase your fibre intake slowly. This is part of the reason why I am juicing instead of eating whole fruits and veggies.

float on you bastard, float on

Ahhh, the struggle of negative thoughts taking over.

A quick tally of the number of hours I have spent lately fighting the negative thoughts floating around in my head was about 6-8 hours a day. What a waste of energy. I've been reading about my specific thoughts, and how to move beyond them. As I suspected, the most common treatment is medication, but I'm determined to not do that. Why apply a bandaid. I think my anxiety has just been kicked into overdrive by my new job.

So instead, I'm going to try a technique to retrain my thinking. The more a thought comes to mind that is distressing, the more attention it gets, and in turn the more it keeps coming up. It's like having a cupboard full of chocolate and telling yourself not to thing about it. Impossible!! So I'm going to try "mindful acceptance." Whenever I have unwanted thoughts, I am going to stop, breathe and observe the thought passing by like a cloud in the sky. So rather than stressing, I hopefully will instead focus on the thought drifting away. I hope that I won't be bothered by the thought if I think of it like a cloud, and if I'm not bothered by the thought, it won't come back so often. The cloud thing makes sense to me.

I know that lots of people have the same unwanted thoughts, let's try this mindful acceptance thing. If nothing else, I'll spend lots of time thinking about clouds. That'll be an improvement.

return to baking

Okay, I've picked myself up and climbed out of the sad-sack I was in. Still reading The Secret, focusing on the positives, not letting myself sabotage the good things that come my way. Fear not, this is a happy post!

I haven't baked anything in about 2 years. I had some pretty sad failures in my attempts at gluten-free baking. Nothing is worse than making a big batch of something and then throwing it out. Before going gluten-free, I baked a lot, I enjoyed baking. I started to enjoy it a lot less when everything I made turned out like crap.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night feeling sick, but couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I've been glutened, Old Dutch Ketchup chips struck again. This is the third time. Their website says the chips are gluten-free so I always figured something else I ate had made me sick. Third time? I'm pretty convinced. Piss on you Old Dutch Chips!

What is the best cure for gluten sickness? For me a liquid diet, with my pj's infront of the TV while checking out gluten-free blogs. I found a new blog with a really yummy pumpkin spice muffin recipe. I had a new multi-purpose baking mix I hadn't tried out yet (I'm not even sure why I bought it) so I made a batch. Maybe it would help me get my mind off the pain of the gluten-monster destroying my intestinal tract.

The results? Flipping amazing! I don't think anyone would be able to tell it was gluten-free. Light, moist, pumpkiny. Yummo!

Tomorrow I'm off to the new office in Chilliwack, wish me luck!

Boredom

I'm still slowly reading through The Secret. Some good things have come from focusing on the positive things I wanted. It is a good reminder to focus on the positives in life, and go with the flow.

But somethings haven't worked out how I thought. I knew that at the end of my 12 week training I would be placed in a new office in one of three suburbs. I had prepared myself for having to commute over an hour each way for a month or so until I could find a new apartment. I was looking forward to being closer to friends and being able to jump on the skytrain and be downtown. After moving to the country and finding it difficult to socialize, I was really looking forward to the change.

Let me explain. I live the bible belt- it's a strange mix of Mennonites, Hudderites, Mormons, Sikhs and newly released parolees. Turns out super religious people have their own social functions within the church. I didn't really see myself joining a church to make friends- it seemed wrong. So I started a coffee social group, but got freaked out by a creepy dude that started sending me angry pseudo-threatening emails after what he believed was a date. That was pretty much the end of that. I made a list of activities I wanted to do : enroll in yoga and pottery classes. However, there wasn't any pottery studios in 30 km, and there is only 1 yoga studio in town- hot yoga- not interested. So then I decided I would volunteer! But that didn't pan out either. Every flipping volunteer organization is linked to a church! The SPCA is not looking for volunteers either. I could volunteer in the local prisons, if it didn't mean volunteering for my previous employer. Now I'm contemplating winter sports... curling? Oh god, I don't think I want to be that uncool.

This makes me wonder if I would have made it living in the high arctic. I won't ever know since I am pretty well committed to living in this province now. Although there aren't the same sort of religious communities there, so who knows?

It's been very frustrating. I look forward to work because my weekends are so boring unless I drive into the city. So you can see how I was looking forward to moving! On Friday I got an email telling me congratulations for the next 5 months you will be working in Chilliwack/Hope. Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Get me the fuck out of the bible belt. Going back to The Secret, I'm fairly sure this is not something I focused on. In fact, I was specifically told when I was hired that I was only hired to work in those specific three cities. This news came as a shock.

So I have 20 weekends ahead of me until I will change communities again. What to do? Will it be a long dark winter? (I have a mental picture of The Shining going through my head. Please don't let me end up like Jack)

I need a plan! There is a yoga studio in construction on the other end of town. I am enrolling. Even if it's crappy B.O. inducing yoga. Maybe I'll start swimming at the community centre on Sunday mornings- it's bound to be a ghost town then!

welcome back!

Yes it's true I'm back.

Lots of changes have happened since the end of the Hottie of the Game series ended. I quit the hellish job and got a new job that I love. I'm a whole lot happier.

The best part of the job is that from here I can go anywhere. I haven't really decided where I want to go. I have always wanted to move back to the Kootneys. I have been doing a little bit of research and stumbled on a blog that now I'm addicted to it. It is written by a gluten-free vegan clothing designer in Nelson. I envy her joie de vivre. It's all sunshine and lollipops. I'm a firm believer that everything works out in the end and that life is what we make it. For a while now she's been going on about The Secret. I've heard a lot of people talk about this self-help book, but thought it was too out there. I decided to give it a shot. Stay tuned.

On a side note, sometimes I wish I was less observant. Last week I shared an elevator ride with a prostitute and her john - aka my neighbour. It really has not helped me in anyway to know this about my neighbour. But what has been bugging me more is the look that she gave me. Misery. This middle aged south asian man and a strung out meth faced girl did not belong together, and she knew that I knew what was going on. Sigh... I love my apartment, I hate the neighbours.

Go Hotties Go!

Bobby Lou

Max Lapierre again. Sick obsession forming.

Ahhhhwww! Sweet and Hot

Burrows (again)

Stanley Cup Final Hottie Parte une

Maxim Lapierre. Sexy Frenchie, mais oui.

file it under cathartic

Today I overheard someone say "I can't do it! I'm too stupid" I immediately thought, "negative self talk, she's self -sabotaging". She soon gave up whatever she was trying to do and stormed off down the hall. I thought to myself, of course you failed, you told yourself you would.

We all have that voice that tells us we are stupid/wrong/worthless etc etc. About an hour after I overheard the lady being so hard on herself, I was replaying my day in my mind thinking how I could have answered questions differently, how I don't deserve x,y and z. I was remembering moments just so I could analyze the body language of the women sitting across the desk from me, wondering if they were pleased with me. Did they think I was a waste of time? Rather than be confident in my knowledge and experiences, I suddenly found myself thinking that they were disappointed in me, and how my responses might have been lacking or how I rambled on wanting to fill the silence as their pens jotted down every word. I thought to myself, "well, find a lesson in this, because you clearly blew it." I thought of the woman who left the office before me, she had a big smile on her face, looked so much more professional and in that moment seemed in every way better than me. She drove a lexus and wore high heels, so clearly she was better than me. It went on and on, the negative thinking. Then I snapped out of it, I literally told myself out loud "stop it". I did well, I said what I planned to say, I was poised and confident. Why prepare myself for disappointment? Why do I need to be disappointed at all?

It can be really hard to snap ourselves out of the negative thinking. It just sneaks in there! An hour later it was back. And so I'm blogging my way through it. I used to have a little internal mantra that I would repeat to myself at a concert while I waited for the curtain to go up. "I am awesome, I am awesome, I am Hilary". It drowned out the other voice. But I never really believed it, and after a while I stopped performing.

Today, I was asked to list some of my strengths and it was very hard for me. Don't we learn early on to be humble and not to toot our own horn? It's as if no one will like you if you do toot your own horn. What a terrible thing to learn, men don't learn this, and it helps them in the job field. I sat with a volunteer just last week and pointed out to her all of her skills and experiences and how she needs to be putting them on her resume and talking about them in interviews. I think she's amazing! How silly, that I can't do the same for myself!

Negative thinking is a huge problem for me. But, I'm working on it. Since the concept of wellness has been on my mind so much, I keep finding so many topics that I would like to cover. So many of my clients are victims of their own negative thinking. Sometimes, I wonder how they don't see it. But then it's always easier to recognize self sabotaging behaviours in others. The real challenge is changing the way we think about ourselves.

you tell me which one is the hottie

photo credits : http://www.nardwuar.com/

I have an idea and almost a plan

My friend Krisztina has a life coach and has told me so much about this amazing woman. I was intrigued by this life coach as she seemed to have a holistic approach that seemed to affect a positive change in all parts of my friends life. I had been thinking that this might be something that I could benefit from, but the cost is too much for me right now. This part of my life seems to be a time of never ending transition and I think a life coach could help me get to where I want to be. I am not very happy in what I am doing anymore and am thinking of making a change, but I don't really know what I want to do, but I have a sense of it being less ... confined? Is that the word I'm looking for? I'm sick of doing what I am told to do. Working for a very hierarchical organization, so often the direction of the organization or even of my job is on a need to know basis.



I had been thinking about the possibility of blogging professionally. I know, you are thinking how inconsistent I am in blogging. Why do I think I might be able to do it as a job? Part of the reason I am inconsistent with this blog is because it's theme is personal, and given my job, putting personal stuff out there isn't maybe my best bet.



I was thinking about doing a blog based on living abroad, of course, I don't live abroad, and don't really have any expertise in that area. And then I started thinking about wellness, an area I do know a lot about. My friends life coach has an online self-help 12 week course which focuses on personal development. I was thinking of doing something similar- teaching people the importance of taking care of themselves and maintaining a healthy life work balance. At my last workplace, this was important to all of the team. I really got in to the habit of consistent self-care and we encouraged this in each other. My current workplace is an example of the opposite. Everyone is sickly- like serious autoimmune diseases attacking their bodies. They have no concept of life/work balance, poor coping skills and don't do anything to take care of themselves. Toxic people, I don't want to be around them. Unfortunately, they really have no interest in changing the negatives and don't see how their lifestyle can make them sick. This is really not my audience. I'm thinking that my audience is professionals and maybe moms. Moms often take care of everyone else and can neglect themselves in the process.




I am already a fan of web pages with this theme. I found a website that teaches newbies how to meditate via an online or mp3 downloadable course that includes videos, homework projects and self exploration. The most amazing thing of all is that it's 100% free. I have no idea how such a well developed website can operate for free. It's less than a year old, and I wonder if it will change. Many of the websites that claim to focus on wellness are websites about dieting. Wellness is so much more.




I'm in the research phase, and web page building skills is really my weakness. Marketing I can do, content development I can do. I have all the drive and ambition in the world, but sometimes think that I can't do something. A negative way of thinking that is really just a form of self-sabotage. Whining about my life is pointless, I am perfectly capable of making change happen.





The reason for this blog post, is 1. to put my intention out there, and 2. to reach out to all you smart blog readers. Does anyone have some website design skills that they would be willing to share? Does this concept sound like a stupid?

A Double Shot of Hot

Okay and we're back being able to post pictures. What a game! I was madly driving home and missed the first three goals. I'm pretty sure the people driving behind me thought I was having a seizure. It's not easy to celebrate a goal while driving. Why did I wait so long to post a picture of Bieksa? He's been doing great! I just didn't want to overload you with the hotness. Don't worry Burrows, soon you will get a Hottie of the Game post all to yourself.

We're almost there, we could be as little as 5 games away from the cup. Oh, the riot. We Canucks are going to be more destructive than a hurricane hitting a trailer park. Either way, it's going to be memorable.

Is anyone else curious to see what the security is going to be like next to the penalty box in Vancouver? Me thinks there will be no more shenanigans or flashers.

And The Hottness Continues

A serious concern, if the Canucks keep on winning, I may run out of hotties. But this time blogger is preventing me from uploading pictures. A bug that needs to be worked out? Anyhoo, my hottie of the game is Bieksa....

Happy Birthday This Hottie's for You!

Moving on to the third round mostly because of this hottie.

Hottie for the last game

I'm sorry Kesler. You deserved to be my hottie of the game on Thursday. Sadly Shaw cable suckith. It took 3 weeks to get internet and when they arrived this morning they were still confused. Why is it so hard to disconnect the previous tenant and reconnect me? I faxed you my lease agreement 2 weeks ago. I swear, I am not the person who used to live here. Why aren't you aware that I returned your modem and PVR two months ago to the Shaw office in Chilliwack. Oh, you have cable, and phone already set up, why am I here? For internet? But don't you want the phone and cable? This isn't your account?

Good lord, just give me internet! I have a back log of hotties!

All work and no internet makes for no hotties

Game 3

Sorry loyal readers, this puck bunny is too tired from moving to even think about who was the hottie of the game. There are two good things to report, besides moving to my fancy new place: I have free cable tv, and I'm able to poach someones wireless signal. Hope this keeps up for a while! I kinda like not having any utilities. Until game 4....

Game 2 hottie (...?)

It's an unlikely pick for the hottie of the game, isn't it. But those teeth make Fin fall into the "bad-boy" category. Everyone loves a bad boy. Truth is, I expect a long playoff run, and I can't post all of my amazing pictures in the first round. We started off with a bang, and I know that everyone is just going to scroll down past this post to drool over Petr.

It's getting hot in here

Oh yes. It's hottie of the game time. I know you've all been dying to see who would be the first hottie of the 2011 season. And now you are wondering "who the hell is that?" Well it's Petr Sykora. He's not a Canuck, but how the hell could I not post this picture? Where did I find this gold? On a gay hockey fan page. It's a website that's so NSFW. I didn't think that any one player stood out in game one. No one made the cut. Thank goodness for Petr.

universally speaking?

Well, it is an obsession. I can't really help it. Having lived in just about every province, I feel I need to live in the arctic so I can tick off that box on my "to-do" list. With all of my stuff in boxes already, I sort of feel like renting a storage locker and taking off.

Oh, yes. It is almost as far away as I can get (in Canada). I'm not sure if that has some sort of deeper meaning of not. Although I think part of the charm is moving to a place that few people have seen. I think it would be a fun challenge to purchase a years worth of food in advance and wait for it to arrive on a barge. Do you have any idea how many rolls of toilet paper you would need? I can think of some Nunavut bloggers who know that answer. Imagine living without a cell phone and commuting to work on a skidoo or ATV. I've lived in some teeny tiny hamlets, but there has always been the option of driving down the road to the "big city." But with no 'big city' to escape to, you'd be forced to really engage in the community. And living on the ocean would be great.

Ahhh...

Well maybe I'm over romanticising a place I've never seen. But, sooner or later it's going to happen, and I'll be scared shit-less to leap, but I will. And this sad little blog will really be something worth reading! It will become the crazy rantings of a homesick cabin-fevered cat lady.

another moving post. Seriously

I'm knocking things off my "to-do" list left, right and centre. Today the first load of boxes made it to the final destination, I put in a change of address and have rented a PO Box. To avoid having to change my address twice in 2 months, I decided to rent a PO Box near work and manually change my address again when I have a new home. It cost more than I thought, but it's a lot less work and I kinda like being even less findable. Not that I think someone would hunt me down, but I prefer to remain a lady of mystery. I think this is pretty good considering I also worked and spent another joyful 3 hours commuting to and from work.

I am bracing for snow-mageddon or snow-pocalypse tomorrow. I have about 10 things on my to do list for tomorrow. Dropping off donations, buying paint to do touch ups, figuring out my cellphone options, and more packing and more moving. But depending on how badly the world grinds to a halt, I may opt to be a shut-in and eat chocolate and watch hockey. Or "1 girl, 5 gays" I love that show. I love Yerxa!

There is a point to the pointless post. And that is: if you are ever planning on mailing me something, ask me for my new address.

it's on

My car is loaded up with boxes. It's official, I am in the process of moving. This move is so different from last time. My last place required 2 months notice. I took my time packing and was really, really organized. I didn't want miscellaneous boxes, every box had a theme to it. I waited until the last moment to pack my kitchen. This time is pretty much the opposite. I made the decision to move on Friday, it's now Thursday and most of my stuff is packed. I have several miscellaneous boxes, and boxes that don't have any labels. I'm sure this will bite me in the butt in the future. I decided that I should pack all of my dishes and cutlery asap. I'm so busy with packing, that the dirty dishes were piling up. It's already my least favorite chore, so I am going 100% disposable until I move. I am giving myself a dishwashing vacation! But fear not. I bought 100% recycled biodegradable stuff with exception of the cutlery. I don't like wooden cutlery. One splinter in my lip was all I needed to learn that lesson!

I've been downsizing a lot. I would like to live in an ultra-modern minimist space. I am not there yet, but packing while watching Hoarders is a good motivator! I try really hard to stick to the rule that if you haven't used it in a year and don't have plans to use it immediately, then get rid of it. Only once or twice have I actually gone out and purchased the same item again. One was a juicer and the other was a manual food processor. The juicer was a mistake, I love it (all over again) but the food processor is so cheap that I have no regrets having to purchase it again. The replacement one is currently sitting in my "to donate" box. It's not worth storing it for the few times a year I use it.

There are a few big items I want to get rid of but there is always someone who thinks I'm crazy. I always feel trapped by my big belongings. I don't like asking for help, and with big furniture, I will never be able to move without help. So far I have said goodbye to my couch, bed frame and big coffee table. I'm thinking of getting rid of my BBQ for the same reason. It's like new- because it's undercover, and because I don't eat meat or put anything directly on the grill. I don't really need a full size BBQ. I'd be perfectly happy with a small one that I can also take with me camping. It's even harder to make decisions when I don't know what my future home will be like.

By the end of this I'm going to trade my bed for a foamy and have all my worldly possessions wrapped in a square of fabric at the end of my fishing stick.

there is a season....

According to New York Life 13% of parents say that at least one of their adult children has moved back home in the last year and adult children are living with their parents for longer. Of course I want to be "on trend". I have made the huge decison to move back in with the 'rents. The move is partly financial, partly geographical and partly crazy. It's been a decade since I lived at home, so this should be interesting.


So clear your calendars towards the end of march so you can help me move!


Just like 2 years ago, I am changing jobs, moving and going insane all at once. I've started the new job and am suffering with the change. It is not the job I thought I was interviewing for, and instead is exactly what I didn't want. The job description changed after I accepted. I'm torn between trudging through and learning to love it, or continue to job hunt and network my way outta here. Time will tell....

In happier news I have decided what my purpose in life is! No small thing let me tell you. My purpose in life is to give as much to the universe as I take from it. Luckily there are a lot of ways to give back. My goal is to give and recieve equally in all areas. I tend to give too much in one area and recieve nothing in another. I want to be balanced. Oh so new age-y isn't it? I love it!

It's not me, it's you

I recently learned that someone really really dislikes me. I don't really care very much, I won't lose sleep wondering why and how I can win them over. This person just isn't important to me and I probably wouldn't be very successful at convincing them of my awesomeness anyways. I sort of wonder how long ago this hatred started brewing, and why someone even bothered to build-up that much anamosity towards me. Let's be honest, what's not to love about me? It seems like a waste of time to hate someone and for them not even to know it.

This is a lesson I learned a long time ago. I was really angry at someone, and would lay in bed at night losing sleep thinking about how much I wanted bad things to happen to her. This went on for months (on and off). One day I saw her and she was completely oblivious to my hatred of her. I realized that she hadn't lost a minute of sleep wondering how to win me back as a friend. In fact, she hadn't even got the memo that we weren't friends anymore. All that time wasted envisoning tragedies befalling her were a complete waste of time. The only one punished was me! Maybe if I had let her know right from the start, she could have shared in the misery. Like a Carlton card that reads "Just a note to let you know, My hatred of you continues to grow".

I don't carry that anger anymore, it felt pretty pointless. But I do kind of feel bad for the person carrying around so much hate for me. I never felt good about myself when I was hating on my ex-friend, and I can't imagine my hater is very happy either. And so I wish for my hater that one day they can let the anger go because it's not hurting me. I even wish my hater good things.