file it under cathartic

Today I overheard someone say "I can't do it! I'm too stupid" I immediately thought, "negative self talk, she's self -sabotaging". She soon gave up whatever she was trying to do and stormed off down the hall. I thought to myself, of course you failed, you told yourself you would.

We all have that voice that tells us we are stupid/wrong/worthless etc etc. About an hour after I overheard the lady being so hard on herself, I was replaying my day in my mind thinking how I could have answered questions differently, how I don't deserve x,y and z. I was remembering moments just so I could analyze the body language of the women sitting across the desk from me, wondering if they were pleased with me. Did they think I was a waste of time? Rather than be confident in my knowledge and experiences, I suddenly found myself thinking that they were disappointed in me, and how my responses might have been lacking or how I rambled on wanting to fill the silence as their pens jotted down every word. I thought to myself, "well, find a lesson in this, because you clearly blew it." I thought of the woman who left the office before me, she had a big smile on her face, looked so much more professional and in that moment seemed in every way better than me. She drove a lexus and wore high heels, so clearly she was better than me. It went on and on, the negative thinking. Then I snapped out of it, I literally told myself out loud "stop it". I did well, I said what I planned to say, I was poised and confident. Why prepare myself for disappointment? Why do I need to be disappointed at all?

It can be really hard to snap ourselves out of the negative thinking. It just sneaks in there! An hour later it was back. And so I'm blogging my way through it. I used to have a little internal mantra that I would repeat to myself at a concert while I waited for the curtain to go up. "I am awesome, I am awesome, I am Hilary". It drowned out the other voice. But I never really believed it, and after a while I stopped performing.

Today, I was asked to list some of my strengths and it was very hard for me. Don't we learn early on to be humble and not to toot our own horn? It's as if no one will like you if you do toot your own horn. What a terrible thing to learn, men don't learn this, and it helps them in the job field. I sat with a volunteer just last week and pointed out to her all of her skills and experiences and how she needs to be putting them on her resume and talking about them in interviews. I think she's amazing! How silly, that I can't do the same for myself!

Negative thinking is a huge problem for me. But, I'm working on it. Since the concept of wellness has been on my mind so much, I keep finding so many topics that I would like to cover. So many of my clients are victims of their own negative thinking. Sometimes, I wonder how they don't see it. But then it's always easier to recognize self sabotaging behaviours in others. The real challenge is changing the way we think about ourselves.