file it under cathartic

Today I overheard someone say "I can't do it! I'm too stupid" I immediately thought, "negative self talk, she's self -sabotaging". She soon gave up whatever she was trying to do and stormed off down the hall. I thought to myself, of course you failed, you told yourself you would.

We all have that voice that tells us we are stupid/wrong/worthless etc etc. About an hour after I overheard the lady being so hard on herself, I was replaying my day in my mind thinking how I could have answered questions differently, how I don't deserve x,y and z. I was remembering moments just so I could analyze the body language of the women sitting across the desk from me, wondering if they were pleased with me. Did they think I was a waste of time? Rather than be confident in my knowledge and experiences, I suddenly found myself thinking that they were disappointed in me, and how my responses might have been lacking or how I rambled on wanting to fill the silence as their pens jotted down every word. I thought to myself, "well, find a lesson in this, because you clearly blew it." I thought of the woman who left the office before me, she had a big smile on her face, looked so much more professional and in that moment seemed in every way better than me. She drove a lexus and wore high heels, so clearly she was better than me. It went on and on, the negative thinking. Then I snapped out of it, I literally told myself out loud "stop it". I did well, I said what I planned to say, I was poised and confident. Why prepare myself for disappointment? Why do I need to be disappointed at all?

It can be really hard to snap ourselves out of the negative thinking. It just sneaks in there! An hour later it was back. And so I'm blogging my way through it. I used to have a little internal mantra that I would repeat to myself at a concert while I waited for the curtain to go up. "I am awesome, I am awesome, I am Hilary". It drowned out the other voice. But I never really believed it, and after a while I stopped performing.

Today, I was asked to list some of my strengths and it was very hard for me. Don't we learn early on to be humble and not to toot our own horn? It's as if no one will like you if you do toot your own horn. What a terrible thing to learn, men don't learn this, and it helps them in the job field. I sat with a volunteer just last week and pointed out to her all of her skills and experiences and how she needs to be putting them on her resume and talking about them in interviews. I think she's amazing! How silly, that I can't do the same for myself!

Negative thinking is a huge problem for me. But, I'm working on it. Since the concept of wellness has been on my mind so much, I keep finding so many topics that I would like to cover. So many of my clients are victims of their own negative thinking. Sometimes, I wonder how they don't see it. But then it's always easier to recognize self sabotaging behaviours in others. The real challenge is changing the way we think about ourselves.

you tell me which one is the hottie

photo credits : http://www.nardwuar.com/

I have an idea and almost a plan

My friend Krisztina has a life coach and has told me so much about this amazing woman. I was intrigued by this life coach as she seemed to have a holistic approach that seemed to affect a positive change in all parts of my friends life. I had been thinking that this might be something that I could benefit from, but the cost is too much for me right now. This part of my life seems to be a time of never ending transition and I think a life coach could help me get to where I want to be. I am not very happy in what I am doing anymore and am thinking of making a change, but I don't really know what I want to do, but I have a sense of it being less ... confined? Is that the word I'm looking for? I'm sick of doing what I am told to do. Working for a very hierarchical organization, so often the direction of the organization or even of my job is on a need to know basis.



I had been thinking about the possibility of blogging professionally. I know, you are thinking how inconsistent I am in blogging. Why do I think I might be able to do it as a job? Part of the reason I am inconsistent with this blog is because it's theme is personal, and given my job, putting personal stuff out there isn't maybe my best bet.



I was thinking about doing a blog based on living abroad, of course, I don't live abroad, and don't really have any expertise in that area. And then I started thinking about wellness, an area I do know a lot about. My friends life coach has an online self-help 12 week course which focuses on personal development. I was thinking of doing something similar- teaching people the importance of taking care of themselves and maintaining a healthy life work balance. At my last workplace, this was important to all of the team. I really got in to the habit of consistent self-care and we encouraged this in each other. My current workplace is an example of the opposite. Everyone is sickly- like serious autoimmune diseases attacking their bodies. They have no concept of life/work balance, poor coping skills and don't do anything to take care of themselves. Toxic people, I don't want to be around them. Unfortunately, they really have no interest in changing the negatives and don't see how their lifestyle can make them sick. This is really not my audience. I'm thinking that my audience is professionals and maybe moms. Moms often take care of everyone else and can neglect themselves in the process.




I am already a fan of web pages with this theme. I found a website that teaches newbies how to meditate via an online or mp3 downloadable course that includes videos, homework projects and self exploration. The most amazing thing of all is that it's 100% free. I have no idea how such a well developed website can operate for free. It's less than a year old, and I wonder if it will change. Many of the websites that claim to focus on wellness are websites about dieting. Wellness is so much more.




I'm in the research phase, and web page building skills is really my weakness. Marketing I can do, content development I can do. I have all the drive and ambition in the world, but sometimes think that I can't do something. A negative way of thinking that is really just a form of self-sabotage. Whining about my life is pointless, I am perfectly capable of making change happen.





The reason for this blog post, is 1. to put my intention out there, and 2. to reach out to all you smart blog readers. Does anyone have some website design skills that they would be willing to share? Does this concept sound like a stupid?

A Double Shot of Hot

Okay and we're back being able to post pictures. What a game! I was madly driving home and missed the first three goals. I'm pretty sure the people driving behind me thought I was having a seizure. It's not easy to celebrate a goal while driving. Why did I wait so long to post a picture of Bieksa? He's been doing great! I just didn't want to overload you with the hotness. Don't worry Burrows, soon you will get a Hottie of the Game post all to yourself.

We're almost there, we could be as little as 5 games away from the cup. Oh, the riot. We Canucks are going to be more destructive than a hurricane hitting a trailer park. Either way, it's going to be memorable.

Is anyone else curious to see what the security is going to be like next to the penalty box in Vancouver? Me thinks there will be no more shenanigans or flashers.

And The Hottness Continues

A serious concern, if the Canucks keep on winning, I may run out of hotties. But this time blogger is preventing me from uploading pictures. A bug that needs to be worked out? Anyhoo, my hottie of the game is Bieksa....

Happy Birthday This Hottie's for You!

Moving on to the third round mostly because of this hottie.

Hottie for the last game

I'm sorry Kesler. You deserved to be my hottie of the game on Thursday. Sadly Shaw cable suckith. It took 3 weeks to get internet and when they arrived this morning they were still confused. Why is it so hard to disconnect the previous tenant and reconnect me? I faxed you my lease agreement 2 weeks ago. I swear, I am not the person who used to live here. Why aren't you aware that I returned your modem and PVR two months ago to the Shaw office in Chilliwack. Oh, you have cable, and phone already set up, why am I here? For internet? But don't you want the phone and cable? This isn't your account?

Good lord, just give me internet! I have a back log of hotties!

All work and no internet makes for no hotties