2011Nov18 1:25pm

Forgive me, I'm blogging in bed and I'm really tired. This may all come out a gobbely gook, but I've been thinking all day about something and I need to write it down so I'll remember it.

If you know me in real life, you know that on Friday afternoon I was in a fairly bad car accident. A guy pulled out of a drive thru to take a left across two lanes of traffic in the middle of the block. The witnesses said a car in the right lane waved him into the street. I dunno. I didn't see that, all I saw was silver in front of me. I always thought that in moments like that, time would move slowly, and I would be filled with lots of thoughts. Like "0kay, I'm going to die now". That didn't happen. I just remember suddenly I was breaking, and then the impact happened so quickly I didn't know what had happened. And it really fucking hurt. Now the mind twist for me is, did I not have the deep thoughts because it wasn't my time, or we just don't have those moments of accepting our fates. For whatever reason, I had been thinking a lot about my mom last week and I wondered if she ever felt okay with dying. I dunno. I'd been thinking a lot that if I knew that I would only live 10 years more, what would I do differently today. So I made some changes. And then I got in this accident. Maybe I shouldn't assume I even get ten years.

Then I start thinking about what it all means. It was a regular day, where I did something I don't normally do. I went out on my lunch break to buy my step-mom a birthday present. Why did I do that? Why did this happen? I've been watching these youtube videos of people telling their stories of how being raw vegan has change their lives. One of the guys was in a car accident and it seemed to me that he was healing faster because he was eating healthy. I feel like I'm healing quickly. Is this supposed to be showing me I'm on the right track? There was a moment when I was sitting in my car waiting for the ambulance that I thought, this could be it. I could be in pain for the rest of my life. I sat there thinking do I have a head injury? Did my chest hit the steering wheel? I remember looking down at my legs because they hurt so bad, I thought I should check if there were there. I remember there was a blond woman sitting in a minivan across the street in a parking lot. We made eye contact for a second. The look of shock and horror on her face made me think, wow, this must be bad. But I feel like I'll be ok.

I keep getting well meaning advice to lawyer-up. I don't want to do that. For one because I will not be claiming physical injuries that will affect me forever, and two because I think it will bring me bad energy. Maybe it's naive to think that it will all work out and the insurance company will treat me fairly. I so totally believe that you get back what you put in. I don't want my life to be about "my claim." I have had so many clients over the years where they were living their lives waiting for their claim. They were some of the most toxic people I have ever met. Things usually work out. In my most stressed out moments in life, when things seemed impossible and I couldn't see how things could possibly work out, they did. So I'm putting my intention out there: I will heal from this, and it will all work out. Maybe me getting into a car accident doesn't mean anything, but I can still choose if I let it shape my life.

Maybe it doesn't mean anything. Maybe it was just a car accident. It's been really hard to shake it off.