The Ultimate Test of Canadian-ness

I understood about 95% of this, but that's probably because I spent some time in Nfld. Some of the weird stuff is pure newfie slang. How did you do?

"How's she goin' - I was born a herring choker, but brought up a blue noser, a caper to be sure - me paw was from the rock but me maw was née en acadee.. Anyhoo I was working the rigs out by fort mac, and later by cowtown - ended up on compo and drove the #1 to the hammer where I live now. So's the other day I went by the sev for a deck of players and a carton of ****, and then down by the LCB for a halfsack of moosehead and a forty pounder of screech. I had a couple of toonies left so I popped in on the tims for a double double and a maple glazed.. by gar if it didn't remind me of parti sucre weekends at the sugar shack. but the darn metis chucklehead working the joe-job behind the counter forgot to give me a serviette. I asked him right nice, but buddy called me a newf and gave me a trudeau salute. Well lard thunder I got right chippy, he was an FBI from the rez, but I pulled a goon - suckered him in the chicklets, and skedaddled before the RCs got there"
I don't know what the *** is supposed to be. Some sort of slang for milk?



And here's another one



"They'd cut off my E.I. and the pogey was still a week away, so I rounded up all the twoonies and loonies I could find in the chesterfield, and hiked a coupla clicks to the LC to pick up a half sack and a mickey, but settled on a flat and a twenty-sixer and a plan to get right p¡ssed. It was a skookum plan, but I shoulda paid the hydro, cuz they cut me off and now my two-four froze along with the taps and I'm huddled in my tuque, johnnies and mack - without enough left for a hot double double and a jambuster. I'm set for butts though and I've got a whack of KD (but nowheres to cook it). I'm also late for rent on my bachelor, so I'm dekeing my Jean-gee Pepsi landlord as I promised I'd sign over my GST rebate when I got it from revcan. He's somewhat of a goof but I don't want a kerfuffle cuz HNIC and Coaches Corner is tonight and I want to see the Habs knock out the Leafs (like a good 'pegger I'm rootin for anyone but Hogtown)."



Again, it was crystal clear. These were posted on an american website asking for a translation. The translations americans attempted were WAY off. Nobody knew that "hiking a couple of clicks to the LC" was walking a couple miles to the liquor store. Or that butts are cigarettes. Duh! so obvious. The only thing I don't know is the Jean-gee Pepsi reference.