Just Putting it Out There

This is probably one of those posts that is going to be deleted shortly after I write it.  It's 100% cathartic, and if you actually got to read these words, you will probably be learning more than you wanted to know about me. 


So I have said before on the blog that I have an obsessive thought, but I didn't say what it was.  I had done some work on re-training my thought processes.  I had a really good stretch, but today it's back.  In sum, I obsess that I could/might or actually do stink.

Now where did it start?  Well not to place blame, but my nickname growing up was stinky.  But it didn't bother me.  If fact this wasn't even a thought in my head until I accidentally left clothes in the washing machine too long and got the dreaded musty towel smell.  Unfortunately, I also had a cold, and was completely unaware I went to work smelling like musty towels.  For a while it totally devastated me.  So that was the beginning.

Now here's the thing, I'm obsessive about doing everything to not smell.  Showering daily, wearing only freshly washed clothes, smelling my clothes frequently, bringing changes of clothes with me, using soaps, body washes, scented lotions or perfume, using pantyliners, applying deodorant several times a day, applying multiple brands of deodorant a day, carrying baby wipes with me and smelling myself multiple times a day.  Even in doing all of these things, I still worry that I might smell.  If someone touches their nose, of sniffs or coughs, or moves away from me, or doesn't sit next to me, I'm convinced it's because they could smell me.  If someone mentions they smell something stinky, it sets me into overdrive.

I work in a scent-free workplace.  This has caused me some issues, because in the past if I ever worried I smelled, I would quickly use yummy smelling moisturizers, or something.  I can't do that now.  So today after lunch a co-worker mentioned that she thought she smelled cat spray.  I immediately panicked.  I had done all of the good hygiene things, so why would I think it would be me?  I rushed off to the washroom at break to check out the situation.  I definitely smelled my laundry soap on all my clothes (fresh out of the dryer),  my hair smelled good, deodorant was doing it's thing.  So I knew it was not me.  Even though I knew, I cannot possibly be smelly, I was still convinced that the co-worker was talking about me when she was whispering to someone else.   

I realize this is 100% crazy.  But what if I really do fill a room with stink?  OMG that would be the worst.  Now the obvious solution is to just ask someone.  I have asked a few trusted people, and they have confirmed that I'm insane.  So why can't I get past this?  It doesn't help me in my social life at all, let me tell you.  Anyways, if you think I don't smell, I could really use the confirmation.  I'd rather be crazy than smelly :)  

um yeah, this post will have a short life.